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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27574069">i "like" when you get mad</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff'>Ive_never_read_fluff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abused Deceit | Janus Sanders, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:07:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,300</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27574069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus has never seen Roman get mad.</p>
<p>The first time he does, it doesn't end particularly well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>129</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i "like" when you get mad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TWS: PAST PHYSICAL ABUSE, PANIC ATTACK, BRIEF MENTION OF BULLYING, BRIEF MENTION OF PARENTAL NEGLECT, BRIEF MENTION OF MANIPULATIVE THERAPIST (ALL BRIEF MENTIONS CAN BE EASILY SKIPPED, JUST SCROLL PAST WHERE THEY START TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY WERE BOTH MAD)</p>
<p>lmk if there's more, &lt;3!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janus really, really loved his boyfriend.</p>
<p>He's been dating Roman for about seven months, and despite them being friends for three years before that, those seven months were the best months of Janus's life. </p>
<p>In those seven months, Janus felt cared about.</p>
<p>In those seven months, Janus felt loved.</p>
<p>In those seven months, Janus felt more comfortable than he ever had before.</p>
<p>In those seven months, Janus felt safe.</p>
<p>Janus felt safe, and oh fuck if that wasn't something..</p>
<p>It took Janus a few months to not panic at Roman's loud, boisterous voice.</p>
<p>It took even longer to not flinch whenever something that could relatively anger or upset Roman happened, or whenever Roman went up to touch him.</p>
<p>Janus had told him it was because he just didn't like loud noises, that they sometimes gave him a headache-- but that it was fine, he was getting new medication for them. </p>
<p>And that's partially true.</p>
<p>He didn't like loud noises, but.. it's a little deeper than that. </p>
<p>They throw him into either a blind panic or make him.. dissociate, is the closest he can get to it.</p>
<p>It's basically dissociation, but.. almost willfully? </p>
<p>Like, sometimes, while being yelled at, he can forcefully make himself revert to that dissociative state. </p>
<p>It came in handy when around his father.</p>
<p>And yeah, sometimes they gave him a headache, but there's so easy to deal with it's almost shameful.</p>
<p>He's had intense migraines since first grade, so yeah, he's pretty used to having small headaches nearly constantly.</p>
<p>The ache had long since dulled, been pushed to the back of his mind, and he only got help for the headaches when they became unbearable, and when the migraines lasted for <em>weeks</em>.</p>
<p>Those first few months of those headache pills was absolute bliss.</p>
<p>Yeah, it felt really, really fucking strange without the dull background noise of the numbed pain, but in a good way.</p>
<p>After one year of taking them, they stopped working and his headaches came back at full force and they were worse than ever.</p>
<p>It was absolute <em>hell</em>.</p>
<p>He couldn't do much besides try to sleep and fucking pathetically cry.</p>
<p>After some more attempts of different medications and them coming back and being worse each time, Janus decided to just go off the pills and deal with them like he used to be used to.</p>
<p>Now he only took painkillers and shit when the migraine didn't go away for one week.</p>
<p>So yeah, Roman's voice naturally intensified some headaches, but it happened less and less the more Roman was around.</p>
<p>Not a total lie, then.</p>
<p><em>A first for him</em>, he thought sarcastically.</p>
<p>Roman was really sweet once he got past the slightly eccentric-ness. </p>
<p>Hell, Roman was even nice as fuck then, too.</p>
<p>Just.. Janus didn't get on well with the.. stuff.</p>
<p>At first, Roman reminded Janus of his father.</p>
<p>Just, the deep-ist voice, the way he's almost always loud, how he just has a similar body figure to that of his father's.. Roman's tall and has muscles, and so, naturally, he's very intimating.</p>
<p>Janus was always able to hide the fact that he was sometimes scared of Roman.</p>
<p>Whenever Roman looked like he was getting upset (<em>in the anger way</em>), Janus would excuse himself or just leave as quickly as possible and thank god no one noticed or questioned him about it too much.</p>
<p>Whenever Janus was just a little more sensitive that day and he didn't feel okay with something Roman did, he'd leave or block out Roman completely for the rest of that day. </p>
<p>He always apologized the next day, saying he felt sick or something.</p>
<p>Which, again, wasn't a complete lie, because Janus did feel sick (<em>from anxiety mostly</em>).</p>
<p>Anyway, all this to say, soon Janus got comfortable enough with Roman and they had a pretty close friendship.</p>
<p>Not close enough to tell Roman any of this type of stuff, but close enough to feel cared about and almost comfortable enough to talk to Roman with other, smaller issues.</p>
<p>Soon enough, he caught feelings.</p>
<p>And apparently so did Roman.</p>
<p>After some more time, Roman asked Janus out, and.. it went surprisingly good.</p>
<p>Good enough that they've been dating for seven months now.</p>
<p>Seven months of a romantic relationship, and Roman hadn't gotten mad at him at that much.</p>
<p>In fact, he doesn't think Roman's ever gotten mad at him, relationship or not.</p>
<p>Janus just panics when he thinks Roman might get aggressive.</p>
<p>Or if he feels like something is wrong.</p>
<p>He has his dad to thank for that.</p>
<p>Anyway, he's never seen Roman mad.</p>
<p>Never seriously angry at anyone that Janus wasn't also pissed at.</p>
<p>For example, the people who bullied Virgil (<em>worsened his anxiety and got physical with him when he had panic attacks</em>), Logan's parents (<em>neglected his basic needs and when he did get noticed, it wasn't anything good</em>), Patton's manipulative therapist (<em>told him he was faking everything, that he'd might as well kill himself because he wasn't getting anywhere, and other stupid bullshit</em>).</p>
<p>They were collectively fuming, so that wasn't bad.</p>
<p>Janus could deal with that. </p>
<p>Earlier, he and Roman were doing something.. he can't remember exactly, but he thinks he was cuddling with Roman after he'd had a rough day, and Roman asked if he could get off so Roman could get up. </p>
<p>Normally, Janus would've listened but.. today he just felt like Roman would benefit from staying here, holding him, because Roman once said it makes him feel better.</p>
<p>So, Janus didn't move, and instead turned to hug him (<em>don't ask him how, he doesn't how the logistics of it either</em>). </p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <em>Fucking dumbass idiot, if he'd just got off and listened-</em>
  </strike>
</p>
<p>But, obviously that was the wrong move.</p>
<p>"Janus, I said get off." Roman said, in a warning tone.</p>
<p>Janus, however, was still stuck on trying to make Roman feel better, so, still thinking he should stay, Janus stayed.</p>
<p>There was silence for a couple seconds.</p>
<p>Then, Roman tried to nudge Janus off.</p>
<p>Janus was quite startled.</p>
<p>But, before he could get a word out, Roman seemed to get fed up.</p>
<p>"Leave me alone." </p>
<p>And Roman started to walk out of their living room.</p>
<p>Alas, Janus's common sense hadn't caught up with him yet, so he took that as a sign that Roman needs more comforting than just cuddles.</p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <em>Idiot, fucking moron--!</em>
  </strike>
</p>
<p>Janus got up and followed him, but Roman seemed to realize that pretty quickly.</p>
<p>Roman span around without giving Janus time to react.</p>
<p>"I said leave me the fuck alone!" Roman's angry (<em>actual, real, unfiltered anger</em>) tone hit Janus just as hard as his father used to. </p>
<p>And, after a moment without Janus responding, "Can't you fucking listen to me for once?!" </p>
<p>Janus's head was fuzzy, confusion almost outweighing the fear.</p>
<p>Almost.</p>
<p>And then Roman raised his arms, flailing them about, and suddenly all Janus could think was '<em>he's going to hit me</em>'. </p>
<p>The panic took over so fast it would've gave him whiplash if he wasn't so fucking afraid. </p>
<p>Within a couple seconds, Janus couldn't get his breathing stable.</p>
<p><strike><em>He's gonna hit me, he's gonna hit me, he's gonna hit me, he's gonna hit me, he's gonna hit me, stupid, stupid, dumbass, he told you to leave, to get off and you didn't you deserve this you fucking braindead worthless piece of shit he gave you a warning and you didn't listen, didn't obey, this is your punishment, you deserve to be hit, he never loved you, he's just like father, he's just- you deserve it, you deserve it-</em> </strike><em>he wouldn't hit you, he loves you-</em> <strike><em>he's so mad, he's gonna break up with you he's gonna beat you up you worthless unlovable motherfucker you good-for-nothing stupid stupid stupid dummy-</em></strike>- <em>he's just mad everyone gets mad sometimes</em> <strike><em>you idiot you annoyed him he's mad at you--</em> </strike><em>no everyone gets mad he just had a rough day-</em>- <strike><em>NO he hates you he's just been waiting to do this he hates you he's gonna hit you he's gonna hit you and he's not gonna regret it he'll laugh if you cry don't cry weakass</em></strike>-- <em>crying isn't weak and he's not going to hit you he loves you too much he's not your father he's not bad he's not like that--</em> <strike><em>you deserve to be hated and hit you deserve to die and you aren't dead yet you deserve to be punished for that why aren't you dead yet fucking pussy you can't do anything right why does he like you anyway oh wait he doesn't he fucking hates you this whole thing was just to play with your emotions because you're not good for anything else--</em></strike> <em>he's not gonna hit you--</em> <strike><em>yes he is-</em></strike>- <em>he--</em></p>
<p>Janus's thoughts are cut off as he feels someone's hands pulling his from his death-grip on his own arms.</p>
<p>Momentarily, Janus doesn't know who that someone was, and his panic was increased because <em>now not only would his boyfriend he hit him do would this person they were here to punish him as well--</em></p>
<p>But his vision cleared slightly and he could see Roman's hands. </p>
<p>He didn't look up to meet Roman's face, he didn't want to see the anger and rage and <strike><em>he was still going to hit him--</em></strike><em> why is he doing this then</em>-- <strike><em>but he just wants Janus to look at him to see the anger to see what he did and this wouldn't have happened if Janus had just listened why can't he ever fucking listen--</em></strike></p>
<p>Roman was talking to him, too, but Janus couldn't hear anything he was saying.</p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <em>Probably talking about how he was gonna beat Janus to a pulp and how he never loved him anyway and how good he feels to see Janus sobbing and panicked like this or how pathetic Janus is for this or--</em>
  </strike>
</p>
<p>Roman's voice got more frantic, but Janus still couldn't hear.</p>
<p>Janus was completely lose in his thoughts, and he wouldn't be connected to reality at all if not for Roman's hold on his hands.</p>
<p>Wait-- Roman was holding his hands.</p>
<p>If he was going to hit him-- he wouldn't try to <em>comfort</em> Janus, would he? </p>
<p>Roman was rubbing small circles into Janus's hands with his thumbs, and was obviously trying to ground him.</p>
<p>What- <em>why</em>-</p>
<p>Roman hates him, doesn't he-?</p>
<p>His breathing must've picked up again, because Roman moved his hands up to feel his breathing, and Janus knew that this was one of the things that Virgil used to help him during panic attacks.</p>
<p>Then, the reality sinks in.</p>
<p>He just had a panic attack in front of Roman.</p>
<p>Roman's talking, and Janus distantly thinks it might be that counting the five senses thing that he's used to help himself down from some rough attacks. </p>
<p>He just had a panic attack in front of Roman.</p>
<p>God, now Roman would hate him if he didn't already--</p>
<p>He must think Janus is so weak and pathetic.</p>
<p>But no, he doesn't think any less of Virgil, or anyone else when they have one--</p>
<p>But he likes them, he hates Janus--</p>
<p>No--</p>
<p>Stop--</p>
<p>Please--</p>
<p>"Breathe, breathe, can you please try to breathe with me, darling?" Roman's soft, gentle voice cuts through this time.</p>
<p>Janus focuses on that voice like his entire life depended on it.</p>
<p>(<em>We're not going to talk about whether or not that's true.. at least, not right now</em>.)</p>
<p>"Honey, can you try to take a deep breath for me?"</p>
<p>Janus tries, but he fails-- <strike><em>of course he fails, he's such a fucking failure no one could ever even think about loving him what an idiot go kill yourself no one likes you, you're insufferable--</em></strike></p>
<p>"Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay. You did so good.. yeah, shh, you're okay, I'm here alright?" </p>
<p>Janus could barely process what Roman's saying but, somehow, it's comforting nonetheless. </p>
<p>"Great, that's so good.. could you try it again?" </p>
<p>And he does.</p>
<p>Janus keeps on trying and trying until he's finally able to even out his breathing.</p>
<p>Roman encourages him the entire time, so patient, so nice, so.. caring.</p>
<p>"Sweetie?" Roman asks, and then Janus remembers why he panicked in the first place.</p>
<p>He ducks his head down, gaze stuck to the ground shamefully.</p>
<p>Is he gonna break up with him now..?</p>
<p>"'m sorry.." Janus manages, despite the shakiness of his voice.</p>
<p>"No, no, you don't have to be sorry, Jan." Roman starts, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one who yelled at you. You didn't do anything wrong." </p>
<p>Janus doesn't say anything, eyes glued to the ground still.</p>
<p>"Janus, please look at me," and Roman almost sounded like he was begging.</p>
<p>Janus hesitated.</p>
<p>Roman reached out to hold his hand.</p>
<p>Slowly, Janus looks up at his boyfriend, and.. he looks.. concerned? </p>
<p>Guilty too.. what-?</p>
<p>Janus whimpers, because <strike><em>he's so weak he can't even control what his month does how stupid Roman should hate him Roman should've hit him, he would've deserved it-</em></strike></p>
<p>"Oh, Jan," Roman says sympathetically, before asking if he could hug him (<em>Janus nodded his head yes</em>). </p>
<p>That's when Janus broke down, once again.</p>
<p>Roman didn't mind.</p>
<p>Roman was there for him.</p>
<p>He kept whispering reassurances to Janus, and he never left, and he was there and he.. he listened.</p>
<p>When Janus finally broke, and told him everything, told him about why he used to run away so often, about why he leaves whenever Roman gets even remotely upset, about his dad.. about everything.</p>
<p>And.. Roman listened.</p>
<p>Roman was there, and he listened, and he.. he loved him.</p>
<p>And maybe, just maybe, Janus would have a harder time agreeing when he would think that no one loves him.</p>
<p>Maybe.. maybe it could start to be okay, be better.</p>
<p>Maybe Janus <em>would</em> be okay.</p>
<p>(<em>Yeah, Janus was definitely okay.. and that day was when he'd start that process</em>.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>whoops what was THAT 😳💅</p></blockquote></div></div>
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